Grapes
by Ru-Doragon
Summary: Grapes was adopted from HolidayBoredom. For those of you who know this story, welcome back! For those of you that don't...I'm not sure what to say. It's hilarious. Guaranteed laugh with the added bonus of A/H. I hate this summary, but I really don't know what else to say.


**Okay. So. Welcome back to Grapes! This story was adopted from HolidayBoredom. She asked me to wait a while after she took it down before I put it back up, but then I went and totally forgot. I'll be posting the rest of the story over the next week or two. **

**Author: HolidayBoredom**

**Disclaimer: This story is adopted and was originally posted on HolidayBoredom's profile. Unfortunately, I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

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**RESTRICTED ACCESS**

**Document – 2568796**

**Patient No. 55555 (AFII)**

**Day ** ***

**Verbal Log (extract)**

H – A******?

A – Hello, H****.

Door clicks shut.

H – Hey.

A – Hello.

Pause.

H – How's your head?

A – Still slightly diseased. How's yours?

Pause.

H – It's good. Thanks.

A – I'm glad to hear it.

Pause.

H – A******, I –

A – Would you care for –?

Pause.

A – My apologies. What were you going to say?

H – Nothing. Who would I care for?

A – I was going to say a grape.

H – Oh. Um, yeah, I'll have a grape.

A – Here. They're really quite delicious, if a little clichéd beside a sickbed.

Bag rustles.

H – You're right.

A – About the cliché or the taste?

H – Both.

A – Mother brought them for me. She wasn't sure whether fairy food would be quite up to proper standards –

H – A******, I lied.

Pause.

A – I'm sorry?

H – Earlier. Frond, that sounds so dramatic. Just… when I said I didn't have anything to say… I did.

Pause.

A – Then why didn't you say it?

H – Because you interrupted me.

A – I interrupted you about grapes, H****. Surely if you had anything important to say to me it would have taken precedence.

H – Well, I didn't know you were going to talk about grapes, did I?

You asked me would I care for something.

A – Yes. For grapes.

H – Look. Could we please just leave the grape thing alone? Gods, you are so hard to talk to sometimes.

Pause.

A – Would you mind if I continued to eat the grapes?

H – Do what you want, A******.

A – Thank you. I shall.

Pause.

H – Enjoying those?

A – Very much. Would you care for another?

H – No.

Pause.

H – Are you even bothered about what I was going to say to you?

A – Not if you thought it was an inferior topic to grapes.

Slapping noise.

A – Ow!

H – You deserved it.

A – That is going to leave a mark.

H – Good.

A – You know I have no idea what Orion was talking about calling you Fair Maiden. He made you sound so soft and gentle.

H – Well, Orion went on about a lot of things that supposedly didn't make sense.

A – That he did.

Pause.

H – Chuck me a grape.

A – Oh ho! So the grapes are back in favour now are they?

H – Shut up and pass me a grape.

A – No.

H – Fine. I'll get one myself.

A – No, you won't.

Scuffles and a bag rustling.

H – A******!

More scuffles.

H – Stop being childish!

A – Being technically the only child in the room I reserve the right to be as childish as–

H – A******! We're going to–!

Bang.

H – Fall.

Pause.

A – H****.

H – Yes?

A – Your knee is in my groin.

Pause.

H – Sorry.

Scuffles.

H – Well…I got your grapes.

A – You did indeed.

H – Sorry.

A – It was an accident I'm sure.

H – Our meetings always tend to end in those.

A – Why, are you leaving?

H – No. Not unless you want me to?

A – I don't.

Pause.

A – Who else would help me finish all of these?

Pause.

A – Who did you think I was asking you to care for, H****?

H – I thought you were asking me to care for you.

A – And why did that stop you from saying what you were going to say?

H – Because I was going to ask you whether you'd been thinking about asking me to care for you.

A – And you stopped in order to let me do it?

H – Yes.

Pause

H – But then you talked about grapes instead: an altogether safer subject.

A – Which is something you and I have always been great fans of: safety.

H – Bivouacs: brilliant things.

A – Indeed.

Pause.

A – Would you care for me, H****?

Pause.

H – I'd prefer a grape.

A – H****.

Pause.

H – I don't know.

A – A fair answer. I don't often care for myself.

H – You know I care for you, A******. It's just whether I…

Pause.

A – Do not worry, H****. I should never have asked you.

H – But it was my fault that you did.

A – Weren't you prepared for it?

H – I thought I would be. I thought I'd know when it came.

A – Then you knew I would eventually ask unprompted?

H – I knew there was… something in Orion that was in you.

Pause.

A – Idiocy.

H – No, A******. Not idiocy.

Pause.

A – I still think of it you know; on the bonnet of that car. The windscreen wiper was sticking into my hip.

Pause.

A – And you. There at my side. Your eyes closed. The sunset painted against your skin.

Pause.

A – You know.

Pause.

A – I think I would have kissed you.

Pause.

H – I think I would have kissed you back.

A – Really?

Pause.

A – You mean you wouldn't have hit me?

H –What–? No!

A – Come now, H****. You cannot say it would have been out of character.

H – What–? How –? How do you even do this?

A – Do what?

H – Manage to turn everything into an argument!

A – We're not having an argument.

H – A******.

A – What?

Pause.

H – Well get on–

A – Would you care–

Pause.

A – Sorry. What were you saying?

H – You first.

A – I was going to ask if you wanted any more grapes.

Pause.

H – Are you being serious?

A – Why? What were you going to say?

H – Really? _Reall_y? Surely even you cannot be this emotionally stunted.

A – Emotionally–? What?

H – I give up. Truly, I give up.

A – H****, I don't have the slightest–

H – I was going to tell you to get on with kissing me!

Pause.

A – Tell me again.

Pause.

A – H****. Please. I promise I shan't interrupt.

Pause.

H – Pass me a grape.

A – H****!

H – _Grape._

Pause.

H – Hmmm.

Pause.

H – These are so moreish.

Pause.

A – This is hardly ethical, H****.

H – What is?

A – Torturing a mental patient.

Pause.

H – You're only a little mental.

Pause.

H – There. Finished.

A – You're sure? You wouldn't care for a biscuit or anything?

H – Well if you're–

A – I was being facetious.

Pause.

H – You know I thought about it too.

A – On the car?

H – Yep. Me, going on and on. You, just looking at me. Just looking.

A – I was memorising the moment.

H – For future self-torment?

A – Something like that.

Pause.

H – Exactly like that.

Pause.

H – And, yes.

A – Yes, what?

H – Yes. I would care for you.

Pause.

A – Ask me, H****.

Pause.

A - Ask me everything.

Pause.

H – Would you care for me?

A – Yes.

H – Would it be so bad?

A – No.

Pause.

H – Would you please get on with kissing me?

**End Verbal Log (extract)**

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**As Holi said: All reviews appreciated!**


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